Kimberly. Kim. Kimmy. Kimmaaaaaaaaaay.
We need to talk, girl.
I’m not here to talk about your weight. I don’t care how big or how little you are, pregnant or not, because you. are. GORGEOUS. I’m a lady who carries around a few extra lbs even without a bun in the oven, but I’m a strong believer in the idea that all women can dress their shape in a way that is flattering. Before you got pregnant, you knew how to dress that beautiful body to a tee. You accentuated the waist and showed off those gams with great heels. What changed when you saw those two lines on your Clear Blue Easy? I’m all for staying fashionable even as your baby belly grows, but the outfits you’ve been sporting have been nothing short of tragic.
Let’s look at a few of them:
The sheath. I get that pregnancy pretty much makes it impossible to focus on a tight waist, but I found that when I wore tent-shaped dresses during my pregnancy, they looked like…well…tents. It’s okay to wear something body hugging when you’re preggo, K.
But not too body hugging, for goodness sake! I’m all for eschewing the term “maternity wear” and wearing fashions from the non-pregnant section of the store, but ya gotta size up to accommodate the bump. This is a beautiful dress (and shoes!) that is perfect for your figure, but it’s too tight. And yeah the shoes are hot, but how the heck do you carry around that little peanut while walking in those? Do you just schedule a good cry and a foot rub into every day?
While I’m all for comfort and ease, I do not condone pulling your look out of Grandma’s closet. This is doing no favors for your…um…assets, my dear. Plus it’s fugly. No more bejeweling your maternity clothes, k?
And then, of course, we have the mother (pun intended) of them all…
Where do I even start? The pattern? The tightness factor? (Yet again.) The disappearing arm that is actually just a hand/arm clad in a matching full length glove of some sort? The awful makeup/hair job that makes me feel like I just fell into a 4 Non Blondes video circa 1994? I’m sort of blown away by the fact that you continue to defend this look. It’s bad. Sooooo bad. There are just so many formal wear options out there for pregnant ladies these days.
Do you think it would help if I suggested some alternatives? Okay, here we go:
Instead of that black and white thingy, go for this beautiful bodycon dress in black and silver. The overall print is way better than a two color split that makes you look wider than you are. Plus it hugs your beautiful curves while giving enough belly room for your melon baby.
Oh hey, look down there. It’s you! That’s right, one of your maternity outfits is the model for separates. Look at that perfect leather pencil skirt! And those shooooooes. Oh. Mah. Gah. And those bangs and the fur are just gangsta. You look like a woman who will pop out a baby while orchestrating a corporate takeover like it’s nothing. And everything fits and looks amazing.
Formal wear is not easy for the big bump set, but I think an actual pup tent would look better than that floral number. Here is the lady to emulate for maternity dress up. Heidi Klum has probably holds the record for most formal red carpet appearances while gestating. I love how she kept things simple, choosing easy hip-hugging silhouettes and even doing an all over pattern but in a way that was subtle. (And no god awful glove things in floral prints, thankyouverymuch.)
(I mean seriously, Heidi looks like she is literally going into labor in this picture and she’s still AMAZING.)
So Kim. I know we’re girlfriends now that we’ve had this talk and I want you to know that I dig you and your style. Don’t let the jerks out there make you feel bad about those amazing hips and that curvy booty. But give yourself a break every once in a while and wear some stuff that works for you and makes you feel good. You deserve it!