This post is late because I’ve been afraid to write it.  I wanted to write about this week’s Supreme Court hearings about gay marriage, but I was afraid.  I have some strong feelings about this and I do worry about alienating readers who feel differently.  But then I realized that maybe there were some things I could say that would make it easier to understand where I’m coming from, as a woman, a mother, and an ally to many LGBT friends and family members.

So I’m coming out… as someone who used to be homophobic.

Believe it or not, there was a time when I thought that homosexuality was wrong.  I had long conversations with friends in my high school cafeteria about the Bible, and how it said that homosexuality is a sin, and how two people of the same sex being together was just gross.  When I remember those conversations, I cringe with embarrassment, but also with regret – I’m pretty sure that some of the people with whom I had these arguments are now openly gay, themselves.  These were my friends.  And I made them feel as if they couldn’t be their true selves in front of me.

My parents weren’t particularly anti-gay, but I’m sure they were hesitant to jump up in support.  And so, they let me go out into the world with this warped view and spew it to anyone who would listen.  I worked part-time through high school and one day a coworker at the deli where I was a cashier had had enough of my bigoted rhetoric and he came out to me.  I was forced to reconcile all that I had done and said, because this person was my friend and now I had a face to put with this group of people I had been condemning.

Two years later, I was off to a liberal women’s college in Massachusetts.  I consider my four years there to be the most formative years of my life.  I am surrounded now by a group of friends that is diverse, intelligent, and talented…and yeah, many of my college friends are LGBT, but it’s never been something that mattered in our relationships because I love them for everything they are.  I’ve been exposed to a world way beyond my front door and to be quite honest, I think that’s what it takes to help people understand the beauty of love in its purest form, without concern for what parts are involved.

Some might say that I am overcompensating for a certain level of guilt over how I used to be, and there might be a tiny bit of truth to that.  I have marched in pro-gay demonstrations, attended countless Pride parades, worn more rainbow stuff than you could ever imagine existed, and reposted every LGBT-supportive meme that crosses my newsfeed on Facebook.  But these things are not the things that have had the greatest impact on me.  Here’s what has: seeing the looks of absolute dedication in the eyes of my two best friends from college as they said their vows in a park in Northampton, MA, just months after the legalization of gay marriage in that state; watching children, flourishing and happy, grow up with two parents that love them who just happen to be of the same sex; knowing that my son will most likely come of age in a time when his sexuality is his own to discover, without punishment or derision from anyone, especially his government.

I’ve lost touch with that friend who first came out to me all those years ago, but if I could find him I would thank him profusely for doing what my parents’ generation was still too afraid to do and forcing me to look beyond my own experience.  He forced me to come up with valid arguments for homophobia (I couldn’t, of course) and to see love between two people as something which cannot be dictated by others.  Because of him, because of all who have been as courageous as he was that day, Charlie will have a life rich with diversity and acceptance.  My greatest hope is that his generation will grow up not knowing what homophobia is, much like how my generation came of age after large scale racial segregation ended.

And here I am at the end of my post without even talking about the Supreme Court’s decisions.  Maybe it’s because I feel that the responsibility for making things right lies equally with all of us as it does with the justices.  I shared my story to show that change is possible – we owe it to the generation behind us and I hope that the Supreme Court will agree.

“Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return it imposes weighty legal, financial, and social obligations….Without question, civil marriage enhances the “welfare of the community.” It is a “social institution of the highest importance.” Marriage also bestows enormous private and social advantages on those who choose to marry. Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family…. Because it fulfils yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life’s momentous acts of self-definition….It is undoubtedly for these concrete reasons, as well as for its intimately personal significance, that civil marriage has long been termed a “civil right.”"
Massachusetts Supreme Court
Goodridge v. Dept. Of Public Health, introduction by Massachusetts Supreme Court Chief Justice Margaret H. Marshall

(As read at my wedding in September 2008)

I don’t know about the rest of you, but now that I’m a parent I think I read the news differently.  Stories about children, family dynamics, and the state of motherhood just seem to strike me in a different way now.  I empathize more, which probably comes with being a mom, but I also tend to think of how I would react if it was my child, my family, or my career that was in question.  Four stories really stood out to me this week and I thought I’d share my reactions in the hopes of starting a conversation with you, dear readers, about how you read them.  But first, a gratuitous shot of Charlie, at the offline request of a few readers who reminded me that I haven’t posted one in a while…

Mastering the slide…

Carrying on…

1.  The New York Mag article on SAHMs – First, I hate the title of this piece, “The Retro Wife.”  What does that even mean?  A woman making the very commendable choice to work in the home as a mother and caretaker does not make her some Mad Men-esque kitschy throwback.  And this article seems to ignore two big realities that impact many women’s decisions to either work or stay home – 1) Most American families out there, today, are simply not in a financial situation to even think about losing one income.  You can talk to me all you want about how you made the financial sacrifices and it was worth it, but it’s just plain impossible for some people and that’s that.  2) In certain industries, leaving for even just a couple years can doom your career forever, especially if you are a woman.

This article seems to make it sound like it’s just so easy to take yourself out of the game and then just go back to work if you feel like doing it later.  Um no, so sorry.  It doesn’t really work that way.  Is it cool that women are damned if they do and damned if they don’t?  No!  But it’s the state of things right now and I think it was really irresponsible journalism to just sort of ignore it here.

I do agree that there is nothing un-feminist about staying home, having a piping hot dinner on the table for your husband when he gets in from work, and even giving him a nightly massage to calm his frayed nerves after a hard day at the office.  But there is nothing serene and perfect about tending to a household all day, either, and the author seems to make it seem like being an at-home mom is just some dreamy wonderland.

Most of my friends couldn’t manage to get beyond the first couple pages of this article, but I read it all the way to the end for the purposes of writing this post and was impressed that they finally imparted a bit of realism in the final two pages of the piece.  Some of us working moms sort of thrive on the stress of balancing everything, while also learning what’s important and what we can let go.  I say that while also being jealous of the time my SAHM friends get with their kids.  I guess this piece just touched off my usual issue with these sorts of things – that we can’t support one decision without taking little digs at the other.  Is it so hard to say that there are choices out there for moms, these days, and that both of them have pros and cons?

2.  The Steubenville Verdict – Yeah, you knew I was gonna talk about this one.  I feel as if I read hundreds of pieces about this case, but the ones that really resonated with me were the one that encouraged us to explore the idea that these boys should be punished but that it’s okay that we also feel sad for them and the one that asks us to think about all women as people, none of whom “ask for it” when they are violated.

So yeah, I think the mainstream media coverage of this case was despicable because of all the sympathy that was given to these two young men, but I also think it’s sad that they were raised in a culture that made this sort of behavior seem even remotely acceptable.  At the same time, I’ve found myself wondering about their parents and how they are coping through all of this.  I’ve wondered about the victim’s parents, too.  We all know that even the best parents can end up having kids who drink to the point of passing out at a party, or who end up violating someone, or who do nothing to stop such an attack.  One of my greatest fears as a parent is that I will do everything I can to raise a thoughtful, good person, but all those efforts will go to the dogs because of outside pressures that I can’t control.  I’m not excusing these guys for what they did…ever.  But I wonder about their families and how they will move forward after this.

And in a sea of articles that seemed determined to make me eternally depressed about the state of parenthood in this country…

3.  …there’s this guy.  Now this, right here, is the type of person I hope my son grows up to be.  Peaceful but activist.  And with a sense of humor!  Exhibiting his First Amendment rights, while never questioning the same rights held by the guys across the street.  This guy is awesome.  I bet his parents are like, “That’s our boy!”

Lessons learned this week – I still want all mothers to just support each others’ choices instead of finding reasons to condemn them in order to feel better about their own.  Parents of children who do bad things are not always bad people themselves; we need to start looking at society as a whole and not just the two people paying rent, bills, and tuition.  But it’s that same society that is turning out some really amazing people, too.  Even though our media would sometimes like us to think otherwise, there are kids out there who grow up to do good, kind, and important things in this world.

What did these articles say to you?  Share your stories here!

When I was 8 years old, my mother was newly married to the man who would raise me as his own, and my newly minted brother (his from a prior marriage) was 5.  I can remember a Saturday when we hopped in my dad’s beat up blue Jeep and drove around his family’s lakefront property as we did on most weekends, but this time we ended up at the old farm field.  He drove out into a clearing in the middle of the field, pulled some soda bottles filled with water out of the back and walked far away to set them on a log that was atop a small mound of dirt and hay.  Walking back to the Jeep, he pulled out two rifles that, to a kid like me, looked like the most gigantic weapons I’d ever seen.  He then proceeded to teach the two of us how to load, hold and shoot them, with a real emphasis on the proper handling and etiquette.

“Don’t EVER point a gun at another person, loaded or not.”

“Take your time to aim and fire.”

“Deep breath, finger on the trigger, and squeeeeeeze.”

“I mean it.  Don’t point that gun anywhere but at the target.  You have to respect it or you won’t get to use it ever again.”

We listened.  And we shot those soda bottles.  Well… I shot the soda bottles after switching to the “Lady’s .22″ when the recoil nearly separated my shoulder from the socket, and after we got me set up to lean against the hood of the Jeep to steady myself.  We shot guns as a family bunches of times after that day.  Guns were omnipresent in our household, but always stored properly in locked safes with ammunition locked away in a different room.  My brother and I knew how to access everything, but never did.  It wasn’t a mystery to us so it didn’t matter.

I don’t really shoot guns much anymore, not because I’m against them, but just because they aren’t of great interest to me.  I do, however, trek down to that field every year with almost every single one of my family members, to act as spectator for our yearly family trap shoot.  Where else am I going to go at 10 am for a strong Bloody Mary made by one of my little cousins?  (Drinks are only for the watchers, and not for the shooters, of course.)

Hemingway-esque family stories aside, as a parent my heart was torn out of my chest when I heard about the Newtown tragedy.  As an adopted-Philadelphian, I am continually saddened by the stories of gun violence that plague the streets of this city, even in the neighborhoods where it is unexpected.  On the other hand, as someone who loves the academics of the law, I also love our Constitution.  I am someone who has lived around guns for most of my life and never saw them as a way to kill other people.  I accept, however, that there are many out there who do.

My Facebook feed is filled every day with statuses, photos, and articles that argue both sides of the gun debate.  And here I am, right smack dab in the middle – knowing something has to change, knowing we have to make some rules that make it harder for bad people to get their hands on guns, but also knowing that gun control might not be the only thing we need to do to prevent a Newtown… or a drive-by in North Philly.  I want to uphold our Constitution, which gives us the right to bear arms, while also protecting our youngest from those who choose to abuse it.

Isn’t there a middle ground in here somewhere?  Are gun fanatics so fanatical that they just can’t wait a few days to buy a gun, or endure a background check, or give up their most destructive weapons and just keep the ones the fire one shot at a time?  There’s been a lot of talk about how mental illness factors into this, and honestly, I think it’s an even bigger factor for the people who really feel the need to have a stockpile or refuse to leave their homes without a magnum strapped to the chest.  At the same time, we can’t wipe guns off the face of the earth.  We can’t make all guns illegal all the time.  It goes against the very tenets of how our country was founded.  Argue against it all you want, anti-gun folks, but it’s true. 

In about six years, I know that my dad will ask if he can take Charlie on a little ride in his (newer and not blue) Jeep.  I will say yes, knowing exactly where they are going and what they are going to do.  And I will be happy to see Charlie spending some quality time with his “Grandy.”  More importantly, I will be grateful to see him learning the same lessons about guns that I learned.  It’s a naive hope, but maybe by then everyone else will have learned them too.