My husband and I recently started talking about a subject we never really thought we’d entertain: having a second child. Before you type that comment, we know it’s early and we have no plans to start trying for #2 any time soon. But we do talk about all the peripheral things that need to happen before Charlie gets a brother or sister like paying for daycare for two, buying a bigger house to accommodate a growing family, and whether or not we want the added responsibility of another little person. While we’re pretty sure that we’ll give Charlie a sibling if finances and timing work out, we are also very concerned about our footprint as a family. Even though it seems like the press prefers to focus on Kardashian marriages, there is quite a bit of information out there about the impending water and fuel shortages, not to mention climate change, that could plague this planet if our consumption rate of these resources continues to grow at such a speedy rate. (And for the record, I think Kim and Kris should give it another shot.)
My sensibilities about family size were inflamed by the announcement that Michelle Duggar is pregnant with her 20th child. For those who don’t know, the Duggars have a show on TLC all about their gigantic family. They have 19 kids, ranging in age from early 20s to their youngest daughter, a 2 year old, who was born prematurely at 25 weeks. That pregnancy posed great physical risk to both mother and child, as each of them faced long and difficult post-partum recoveries. There is a religious element to this story, but I’d prefer to focus on the element that I think is most important in all of this: social responsibility.
It is certainly not my place to judge and I wish Michelle Duggar a happy, healthy, and safe pregnancy. And as a staunch feminist, I would fight to the ends of the earth to maintain her right to have (or not to have) as many children as she chooses. It’s the choice made that bothers me. The good side of all of this is that the Duggars make a hefty living off their TV show, which pays for their large home, food, and clothing for all their children. They also home-school, so the local school system is not burdened by the cost of teaching 20 children for a family whose property taxes are the same whether they have 1 child in a school system or…20.
But this is where the positive points end and the logistical questions start to pop up. What happens when the finicky entertainment industry decides they are no longer entertaining enough to have a show? Look at Kate Gosellin (the mom on the recently canceled “Kate Plus Eight.”) She has struggled to support her eight children since her show ended. How do the Duggars justify the amount of trash that a household of 22 (plus the wife and two small children of their oldest son) generates and then dumps into landfills? Or the gas they consume to power the extra large, multiple vehicles they need to get everyone from one place to the next?
But more importantly than any questions about their environmental impact is the one about how they can possibly give the individual attention and nurturing that each child needs when they have 20 of them. Generations ago, we had large families because a) there was pretty much no birth control and b) most families had farms that needed to be tended, so more kids meant more farm hands. Today, that’s not the case for most of us. We know a lot more about child development and what love, attention, encouragement, and one-on-one time mean to a kid. The older children in the Duggar house do a lot of the parenting, and they shouldn’t be! Reaching the age of “babysitter” shouldn’t also mean reaching the end of childhood. I worry constantly about whether or not I will be “enough” for Charlie and he’s my only child. From the limited exposure I’ve had to the Duggars’ world, what has stuck out most to me is their seemingly cavalier attitude about the emotional needs of their many children. Appearing clean, well-mannered, and calm does not always mean that a child feels truly loved.
I have had many conversations with my husband about making sure that adding another child to our family won’t limit our ability to make Charlie and a sibling both feel loved in their own very special way. Perhaps it is because we both grew up in households that went through periods of instability which makes us sensitive to it, but we feel that part of our social responsibility as parents is to raise future-adults who are self-confident, smart, and worldly. All of those things come out of being loved as an individual, in our opinion, not as just one member of a brood.
What do you think about the Duggars? If you are from a large family, how did your experience shape who you are? If you are a parent to a large family, I’d love to hear what you think!
Jessica~Mom of all Trades
November 10, 2011I just gave birth to my 8th child 2 weeks ago and couldn’t imagine NOT having a large family.
First of all, for the Duggars……..we only see a Very small piece of their lives on TV. I hear many people say that the older kids are parenting the younger ones but I don’t see this as the case. Large families work differently than small families…..they have to. My older children all have chores, and they also help their younger siblings with things like getting dressed, fixing a sippy cup, even changing the occasional diaper. My 15 year old knows how to cook, her and my 12 year old know how to do laundry and clean a bathroom or dishes. They aren’t responsible for these tasks every day but they are required to pitch in and I feel that by learning these things they will be much better prepared to enter the world when they are adults.
As for one on one time, a good parent will make that time for each child whether she has 1 or 50. It’s not the quantity of time spent, it’s the quality. I despise schedules so I’ve never been one to schedule one on one time with my kids. Each one of my children has different needs and some require more time than others. Because of the close relationship I have with my kids…..all 8…..it’s easy for me to realize when one of them may need that one on one time and we work it out whether it’s reading a book, going for a walk, or just sitting side by side watching a movie, etc. Yes there are times that I may be bathing a toddler or feeding an infant and can’t devote my whole attention to another child at the very moment they need it, but growing up in a large family has taught my children amazing patience and it’s rarely an issue.
Anyway………..who are we to say how many children any one should have? When IS enough really enough? Is it 2? 5? 10? I personally feel 1 or 2 children isn’t enough but it’s not my place to tell that mother she should have more, just as it’s not my place to tell a mother she Shouldn’t have more. Children are a blessing, each and every one of them are, and to see people turn that into something negative just breaks my heart.
JJ
November 10, 2011I think the Duggars have every right to have as many kids as they want. They have the love, the space and the money. They aren’t on gov’t assistance. So they have every right to have as many kids as God sees them fit to have.
Also, from your post you are quite misinformed about the Duggars. TV ISN’T footing the bill for them. When asked by viewers about their income. They’ve repeatedly explained, that they have Commercial Rental Property, Individual Rental Property, A towing business, AND a used car lot, which allows them to stay at home to take care of their kids. Jim Bob’s mother Grandma Duggar also has rental properties that he helps her manage as well.
The Duggar’s also don’t have a mortgage which helps them quite a bit they do have property taxes like any homeowner but built their own themselves. With TLC helping with the last stage of their home because they had weather setbacks and their lease on their rental house was up and they had to be out because the rental was going to be torn down shortly before after their lease was up
As for Kate Gosselin, she had all her kids on a whim and didn’t plan for them like the Duggars did. The Duggars didn’t need and don’t need TV to foot their bills unlike Kate wants TV to do The Duggars have been on the same financial page since they had their 1st son Josh with their used car lot and have gained more investments along the way. Kate’s love of fame and refusal to take responsibility of her 8 kids and get a JOB is why she has no money. Its also obvious from many interviews that Kate and Jon have given that Jon resents Kate in some way for having their last 6 kids so they were never on the same page at all. Not to mention Kate’s a huge tyrant with a lot emotional issues she she needs to address
Lastly, we only see a small portion of the Duggars on TV. They don’t raise their kids to be baby-sitters. At least 4 or 5 of their kids are over 18 are free to leave home at anytime. No one makes them stay at home. They are all well-rounded people unlike some of today’s spoiled brats on TV. They do a lot of charity work and have a strong work ethic. Just because they have strong family ties doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of being independent people. They also do take their kids out to do things individually as well.
MJ
November 10, 2011I’m going to jump in with a different viewpoint. I personally know the Duggars, I was raised in the same program, and I disagree with them profoundly. See, this program does not let you as a young adult launch into your own life. It is designed not to. I have family members who still haven’t been able to make any life for themselves. The strong emphasis against higher education (since my time it has lessened in favor of ATI- run programs) makes it very difficult to transition into adulthood and adult responsibility.
Why didn’t I choose differently for myself? Because I was taught wanting other options was wrong. Not so much by my parents, but immersion in the program had that effect. Why would I want to choose a lesser path? One that must be wrong, because everybody else chose it?
I didn’t feel as much resentment as my few friends, because I only had a few younger brothers to help raise. But my friends whose mothers kept having babies well into their forties, were resentful. They had mothers who were perpetually exhausted and dependent on their oldest children to keep the house going and the children in line. Education suffered under those circumstances, with repercussions well into the adult lives of these kids.
It is the only way this lifestyle can work. I believe the Duggar kids when they sound like they embrace their parents’ lifestyle. But I have seen for myself what happens down the road. They will find themselves unprepared for adult life. They will question everything. The values instilled them (they look so ‘together’ and well-behaved right now) may or may not hold up.
This website expresses the views of some of those raised in ATI/IBLP circles: http://www.recoveringgrace.org/2011/11/quiverfull-or-full-of-it/
Anastasia B
November 10, 2011I would never choose to have that many kids, but I’m certainly not scared of ‘overpopulating’ the earth.
You mentioned that about consumption, yet you yourself just outlined all the highly consuming things you need to do in order to have another baby (the American standard). I tend to think differently, I think children are more important than a house to accommodate them, a daycare to care for them, and the latest toys to spoil them. I went on a missions trip to Russia, visited a family with 11 kids who lived in one room with a separate tiny kitchen the size of a closet. That really puts things in perspective! Not that I would want to live like that, or that this family was perfectly happy. But now I don’t feel like I have to spend 5 years ‘preparing for a baby’ so that we have a big house and strong finances. I’m perfectly comfortable with three or more kids in our small two bedroom town home because frankly, the American way of bigger and biggest is completely off from the rest of the world. I know I may regret not having more kids, but I’ll never regret not having a big enough house or not having dropped my kids of at daycare. If anything, I would regret not having spent enough time with them and putting too much focus on finances and material things.
Joanna
November 18, 2011The environmental/trash standpoint is moot. How much trash your family generates is a personal decision that is not necessarily increased due to more children. Check out thezerowastehome.com. It can be done for a family of 2 or 20 kids.
I also disagree w/ the argument that they don’t spend enough time w/ their kids. Michelle Duggar stays home w/ her brood of 20 and homeschools them. That gives her at least 50 more hours in the week than your average working mom for mothering. The Duggars also do not seem to be making choices to spend “me time” outside the home or having “girls/boys nights out” and Jim Bob doesn’t seem to have a “man cave” in that huge house. There’s nothing wrong with those things but those are clear areas that the Duggars have sacrificed in favor of spending more time with their children.
I don’t find them socially irresponsible in the slightest.