Me and Mom – circa 1981
As I’ve said here before, family is pretty important to me and Charlie is lucky to have a slew of grandparents who love him to death. My grandparents played a pivotal role in my life as a little kid, so I work hard to make sure that Charlie knows his. He is simply in love with my dad (my mother’s second husband) and we are looking forward to his first meeting with my biological father, stepmother, and half brother at Thanksgiving. They live in Texas, so the visits aren’t as frequent as we’d all like them to be, but we’ll make sure this first one is full of lots of quality time.
But behind every moment of joy as I watch Charlie interact with his “grands,” there is a touch of sadness. Fourteen years ago this week, my mother lost a relatively short battle with cancer. I was 19 at the time, a junior in college, smack dab in the middle of my teenage rebellion. I didn’t handle it very well. The couple of years after her death were a very dark time for me. If someone had told me that I’d be living happily today with a wonderful husband, an adorable baby, a house, and a career I love, I would have laughed for hours. Back then, my life was a mixture of pining after my mother and being angry at her for leaving me. In fact, some of that anger stuck around all the way up to my wedding day, when I finally felt like she was “there” and I could be at peace with the fact that I would just have to feel her presence. Since then, I’ve learned to appreciate the people that are present in my life, especially those who stuck with me when I was at my worst. It took a while, but I got there.
Now that I have Charlie, a part of me is pining for my mother all over again. I find myself wondering what kind of grandmother she would have been. Would she have been like her parents were to me? My relationship with them was equal parts spoiling, protecting, and disciplining. They came to as many of my band concerts, sports events, and graduations as they could. And they were an incredible support system to my parents, who entrusted them with my care whenever they went somewhere without me. Their example could be seen in the way my mother was to me – encouraging, supportive, fair. She wasn’t always perfect, but then again, neither was I. I would like to imagine that she’d be the same way as Nana to Charlie.
If my mother were alive today, I would envision us living much closer to wherever she lived. My grandparents were retired by the time they were in their sixties, but I think my mother would happily still be working. Nonetheless, I think she’d want to spend a good deal of her free time with her grandson. Sure there would be a certain amount of spoiling (we’d definitely have a battle over when he gets to have his first ice cream cone), but more importantly, I think there would just be a lot of good, old-fashioned hanging out. Trips to the zoo (Turtle Back, of course, for all you North Jerseyans) and to see the trains at my favorite childhood museum. Days of floating around in inner tubes at the family lake property. Brownie baking and salad making. Afternoons on the floor with coloring books and blocks. If she were here, she’d do all those things with Charlie.
My hope is to make sure Charlie knows that he had a Nana who would have loved him like the dickens (one of her favorite phrases). I’m lucky that her ashes are interred in a beautiful spot that I visit frequently, so I can always remind Charlie of her whenever we are there together. He’ll see pictures and hear stories through me, his Grandy, and his uncle. She’ll be in his life in so many ways, even if she can’t be there physically. I will forever wonder what life would have been like with her if she had won her battle, but I get great comfort in knowing that she lives on in all of us…especially in the grandson who will never meet her, but will know her.
And now that I’ve poured my heart out, I turn to my readers to ask – how do you remember a deceased parent or relative with your little ones?
eileen
August 23, 2011tell him lots of stories about her, make those wonderful recipes that she made for you, and be yourself — you are her child and much of her is with you always. and you stinker, you made me cry.
Tacy
August 23, 2011Laura,
Thank you so much for sharing your story and I have no doubt you will be able to involve your mom in so many ways of Charlie’s life.
As I was reading, I couldn’t help but feel like I’m still in the angry phase. My father passed away 2.5 years ago, ultimately because of alcoholism that evolved after I was married. We did everything we could as a family, but I knew for myself and my family I had to realize nothing I said or did would change his addiction and it was something he would have to do on his own. Unfortunately, my kids will never know him (my oldest was 6 months when he passed). I have a picture of myself and my dad from my wedding framed and my daughter asked who it was. It seemed confusing to her when I told her he was her Papa because she associated Papa with her paternal living grandfather. So, I refer to him as Mommy’s Daddy for now until she’s older and understands.
I know there will be a time that I won’t be angry and I hope that I can share all the great memories I have of my dad when I was growing up with my kids.
Kylie
August 23, 2011I teared up at your post. My own Mom who is a Narcissist on the spectrum, has shown little if any interest in my son. We recently went to a family union ( not a reunion since we only recently discovered them) and I had a similar experience where my new aunts and uncles were so happy to be a part of r’s life. My own mom was acting jealous of the attention they showered on my 4 yr old son.
I’,m so happy Charlie has a network of family that he can count on to be normal and supportive!
Kate
August 23, 2011As you know, this post hits very close to home. Both my kids were able to meet my dad – and thankfully they got to know him a bit before he passed away. But, I think often about how to keep his memory alive. How do I make sure that when my kids are 12 and 10 they’ll remember rolling around on the floor giggling with him? Or that he always called them by silly nicknames?
And, I know there will be more grandkids that he won’t get to meet. So I know I should be thankful my kids got to meet him at all. But it still stinks.
In any case, thank you VERY much for this very special post. I so wish I had advice or insight to share.
Shannon Kelly
August 23, 2011My son has a “crush” on his GG (great grandma) and walks around the house calling her name. He also brings me the phone and says, “GG?” He’ll be two this week and his GG is not in the best of health. I want him to know his first and best girl was his GG. Thank you for a post that reminded me to cherish today and plan for tomorrow.
Laura
August 24, 2011@Eileen – I love you, Mama L!
@Tacy – Thank you for sharing your powerful story with me! I promise you that the anger goes away. My mother made treatment decisions that were not the greatest and refused to get a second opinion, so for a long time I blamed her for basically choosing her own death. My relationship with both my dad and my biological father was not the greatest at the time, so I felt truly and utterly alone. But at the risk of sounding cliche, it does get better. I can promise you that.
@Kylie – as you know, Charlie does have some relatives that are nutso and we limit his exposure to them. Sometimes I feel like such a helicopter mom for doing it, but it’s less about protecting him from harm and more about teaching him to live on a level that is above their pettiness. If that makes sense? I often wish I could just cut them off from Charlie all together, but that would cause more problems than it would be worth, so I just foresee alot of lesson teaching opportunities in our future. Hang in there. (It’s very cool that you recently discovered more family, by the way!! Want to hear that story!)
@Kate – I thought of you so much as I wrote this. We are certainly at the age where parents start to leave us, but it’s still early for most of us. Just know you have a friend here who understands each and every emotion you might have surrounding your loss. And I’m always happy to listen.
@Shannon – LOVE that your kiddo calls a great grandmother “GG.” I’m all about unique names for the “grands.” My dad chose to be Grandy because his name is Andy. Creative (okay, and a little dorky), yes? Ha!
Jessica
August 24, 2011Your post brought me to tears as I thought about my own Dad who passed away 4 years ago after a very short battle with cancer as well. My family has grown to inlcude my husband and two additional little boys (I have an 18 year old as well). I long for my two younger boys to know the grandfather my oldest son was able to grow up with and be the best of friends with. We remember him by telling stories about him (literally every day) and having pictures of him in the house. We also look up at the stars at night and see him shining brightly down on us. As much as it sucks for everyone in our situation, we can at least pass on the wonderful stories, love and values that our parents taught us…that way they will always live on in their grandchildren!
Debra @ A Frugal Friend
August 25, 2011Thanks for pouring your heart out – we have a lot in common. I find myself wondering what kind of Grandma my mother would have been…..yet, knowing she would have been crazy over her granddaughter.
That brings me a smile. I still have both my grandmas, but dread the day I lose them too.
I constantly talk about my mom as I want my daughter to grow up having a feeling of who she was. I hope she will.
Monica
August 25, 2011This was an amazing post Laura, thank you (and the others who shared) for sharing your story. They all brought tears to my eyes. I thankfully have not had to deal with the reality of losing my own parents. As we get older, I hate that it will become the next “phase” of life. Thank you so much for reminding me to cherish it all everyday. For myself and my little ones.
Judy
August 26, 2011Thank you. I’ll be reading comments because I need to find ways to share the stories of my Mom with my kids.
I lost my Mom nearly 12 years ago, I was 26. I have a curio cabinet with a bunch of Eeyores and my Mom’s photo on a low shelf. Mom collected Eeyores. Just the other day my 3.5 yo daughter brought me the photo and asked who it was. I explained that it was my Mom (her Grandma), how much I missed her and that her middle name, Maureen, was the same as my Mom.
I know Mom would have been over the moon with her Grandkids – and it makes me sad that I can’t share my amazing kids with her.