My husband and I are born-and-raised East Coasters. Our families have long, rich histories in the Mid-Atlantic and New England states. Accordingly, the majority of our family members live within a reasonable drive from our home. In fact, the lion’s share of our relatives live in the Philly metro or New Jersey. However, my husband spent most of his childhood in a town that was a few hours drive from his family, while I grew up in the same town as my maternal grandparents. He didn’t have daily contact with his closest relatives, while I spent a good deal of my free time with my grandparents. In fact, I credit my grandfather as being one of the most inspirational people in my life, even more so than my own parents. I also had the added fun of having my dad’s family just a half an hour away on a large family-owned lakefront property where each branch of the family had a house that was teeming with cousins all summer long. I enjoyed being close to my family and often feel disconnected from my loved ones even though Philly is only a two hour drive from “The Lake.” I find myself practically jumping out of my skin with excitement whenever we make the drive to see my brother, my dad, and my closest cousins. I can’t wait for the days when Charlie will be running around in the woods and belly flopping into the lake with the members of his generation.
Me and my "Gramps" - I used to love wearing his hats!
You would think that with my utter love for my family, I wouldn’t be driven so crazy by grandparents who want to be uber-involved with Charlie, but I am. I’ve spent the last week stewing and feeling as if every thing I do is being criticized or that there is going to be some longstanding competition for Charlie’s affection as he continues to grow. I’m sure that sleep deprivation and hormones are also playing a big role in how I feel, but these feelings stem from a series of recent visits with one set of Charlie’s grandparents who happen to live very nearby. As most little babies tend to do, Charlie sleeps a lot, and when he wakes up he is usually crying and hungry. His grandparents, however, seem to have forgotten that this is how babies work and they insist on being allowed to hold him even as he writhes and screams for food because it’ll “just be for a minute” and they “never get to hold him.” They’ve actually kept track of how many times I’ve “let” them hold him, even though we’ve explained that he’s usually asleep when they arrive and waking up for food as they leave. Even if they agree to wait until he’s done eating, they hover over the two of us as he nurses, waiting to pounce as soon as he lifts his head from under the hooter hider. It’s nerve-wracking and I think that Charlie senses it too, especially since he and I normally have a long cuddling session after he nurses.
There are other extenuating circumstances that I won’t detail here, but even in their absence, I’ve become fed up with the criticism and score-keeping. Nonetheless, I don’t want to be the parent who cuts off her child from his grandparents, nor do I want to constantly be snapping at them to back off in front of my son. My husband and I are committed to creating a peaceful, supportive, and positive home for our son since we didn’t always have that when we were kids, but I worry that this situation is going to make that goal an increasingly difficult one to fulfill.
The added challenge is that Charlie’s grandmother was recently diagnosed with a serious illness that will require extensive treatment. Seeing her grandson cheers her up and inspires her to fight for her life so that she can see Charlie grow up. I wouldn’t want to take that sort of joy out of her life. I just wish we could find some sort of common ground where it is understood that we are Charlie’s parents, we make the decisions, and no one is preventing them from connecting with their grandson.
Please share your stories of how you handled the Grandparent Dilemma with your babies!
MelissaStuff
June 7, 2011I’m assuming since you posted this that you are open to input.
I have to tell you that when I delivered my first child, there were 15 people in my room by the time I came out of post-op and they finally brought the baby to me. As I was nursing, I kicked out 13 of them but was still left with two well-meaning grandparents who wanted to be involved. I am not super private or modest, but I didn’t know what I was doing and I didn’t need lots of people staring. I wish I had been more direct and asked for the peace and quiet I wanted.
Having said that however, it sounds to me like a lot of your extreme feelings may be hormonal, even a touch of post-partum blues. You should be grateful that these grandparents want to be involved even if they are hovering and maybe a bit smothering right now. We have one set of grandparents that has seen our youngest son only a few times in his entire first year!
Maybe allowing your husband to help decide when and how much the grandparents can hold the baby would be helpful. Telling them it’s not a good time to come over is fine as long as you give them an alternative time that would work better. Telling them it’s not a good time to hold the baby and enforcing it is fine if you allow them to hold the baby when you are done. If you are tired of them hovering while you nurse, go to a different room. Then you and the baby can come out when you are ready.
In my opinion, these issues are nothing that should ever lead to not being involved with grandparents. But when you have your own children you do find that you have to set boundaries and stick by them because you have your own family now and it comes first.
Melissa, thank you for your input! I’m sure that a little of this is hormonal, but I will admit that I bristle a bit when people say, “Oh you just feel that way because of the baby blues.” It minimizes feelings that, regardless of why we have them, are legit and real. Plus, I think it becomes a sort of sexist scapegoat similar to saying a woman feels a certain way because she’s “on her period.”
But I digress…like I said in the post, there are some other extenuating issues to our relationship with this set of grandparents. They are not people that we can currently trust to care for Charlie without our constant supervision and yet they insist that we let them babysit…before we’d even want to leave our little one with someone else, even if we COULD trust them. His grandfather has repeatedly demanded that we allow him to “show him off” to people, which to me just smacks of selfishness and not an ounce of caring for Charlie. They have a long history of being very intrusive in our lives, to the point where we’ve had to set boundaries for years, long before Charlie came along. I understand you when you say we should be grateful that they want to be involved, but I don’t know how applicable that is to our situation. It’s hard to be grateful when they are of no “use” to us as most grandparents usually can be. That sounds cold but part of being involved is being trustworthy, so I’m sure you understand what I’m saying.
Kassandra @ Coffee and their Kisses
June 7, 2011My son has my parents, who are great. Sometimes a little over bearing, but well meaning. My husband’s mother… another story. She has seen my son probably 20 times in the last 3 years, and she lives 5 minutes away. When we do see her, she’s rude and tries to tell me how to raise him. I, however, after so long of it, told her what I thought. So I guess it depends. If they aren’t mean, then try to approach it in a nice way, if you do at all. I wish you the best. Just remember that they’re just excited too, just like you. xo
Thanks, Kassandra! I’ve tried to be as patient as possible and face it all with a smile. There was one instance where I snapped at them. Charlie was crying to nurse and his grandfather was yelling at me for letting his grandmother hold him but then not letting him hold him – he wasn’t crying when I handed him to his grandmother, of course. I snapped and asked him if holding him was more important to him than his grandson EATING. Yeah, not my proudest moment.
karen M
June 7, 2011Only you and the hubby will have to decide, you are the parents. I don’t understand why some folks have to keep count… I am fortunate to have all 10 grandchildren living with a 30 min drive or here in our home with us. When they were younger I had to take a step back and make sure the other set of grandparents have equal time.
Some holidays I understand the kids and grand kids will be in at their in-laws, Grand parents need to be reminded that their are other family members.
Karen, it’s so nice to have a grandmother’s perspective! I agree with you wholeheartedly. We’ve also had problems with these grandparents’ understanding when we have to spend holidays with other relatives. We’re dreading making arrangements for this year’s holidays now that Charlie is in the picture. Actually, we’re considering just staying at our house and telling both sides that they can come see us or not see us at all!
alysebeth
June 7, 2011Hi pretty mama. As a mental health professional, who actually is in the process of completing a year long monthly course on perinatal depression, I say with confidence, that the thoughts and feelings you have shared appear externally triggered and not internally driven. I find it important to keep reminding yourself that you and your hubs are doing an incredible job and normal responses to a change in your household and your sleeping patterns, should not be pathologized. Keep doing what you are doing. Vent, vent, vent to whom you need to and continue to protect the sacred act that is the nursing. Isn’t there laundry and cooking and unloading the dishwasher they can be assisting with? and looking at baby pictures? and just counting his toes that they can do? all during the time he is nursing or sleeping? As the days progress, there will be longer durations of time between feedings that will enable more organic –yes–ORGANIC moments they can engage in more physical interactions with him. I can relate. It can be very challenging to have to go out of your way to help structure opportunities for family members to feel like they are important..especially because they need to feel important on their own without it being validated by having their own image of the hallmark moment conjured up to reality. maybe some guided diaper changing or helping to get C’s formula–when/if you supplement. but the best thing, i found for my situation with my folks..whom my mom has some physical challenges–kinda sounds paradoxical-but is to have them over for more frequent and brief visits and during times that may not always be convenient for them but more compatible with the times of the baby..and as C is aging, he will begin to show more predictability in his timing.
and they are doing a great job too by continuing to have these visits and feel their pride–they will get over whatever they are feeling–they forget what it’s like as new parents, but the more they see how rocking you and mike are with C, the more they will get it..and i promise, it will feel more organic and the dance of how much I let them help and all that gets a lil clearer as you go along.
again i say..just keep doing what you are doing..continue to let them visit–which of course you are-and continue to acknowledge how it makes you feel and continue to vent and ask for support like you are doing by writing about it..and for me, the most helpful thing, when it came to paul’s family, was for me to allow paul to step in and set some of the boundaries..which i had a difficult time doing at first. you should def know it is totally normal and you are doing everything perfectly–i mean-he is sleeping for 6 hour increments!!! ah-mazing!!!!
alysebeth
June 7, 2011And, such a great photo of you and gramps! so pretty and he is so sweet
Mrs. Smitty
June 8, 2011You have every right to be frustrated. While grandparents look forward to spoiling their grandchildren, they often forget who the parents are. And that the only way to maintain a mutually happy and healthy relationship with everyone, is to never overstep the parental boundary.
Every parent is different, requiring every grandparent to ask and observe to find out what those boundaries are.
Our biggest issues with my kids’ grandparents include hovering, discipline and overindulgence. For example, if toddler is misbehaving, hubby or I are responsible for disciplining her, NOT the grandparents. My favorite phrase is ‘we have got it under control’. I’ve even had to go so far as say ‘I will take care of my own child, please leave.’
We are also careful about what our kids eat. Sometimes that means saying ‘absolutely not’ to something the grandparents think should be okay as a splurge.
As long as they ask first and follow our guidelines, we have no problems with the girls being spoiled by their grandparents. But it did take them awhile to realize we wouldnt allow them to bulldoze over us and disregard us as the parents.
I wouldn’t discredit all your feeling to hormones, you feel that way for a reason. Step up and speak for both you and your children!
Mrs. Smitty, your comment made my day. Thanks for being so understanding! We fear the same things about the future of our son’s relationship with his grandparents. His grandfather, in particular, is especially “rebellious” and does not think he needs to listen to us (especially me, since I’m a woman). I fear that if we spell out what our rules are, he’ll go out of his way to break them.
Stephanie
June 8, 2011I would smile at their foolishness and eagerness to be with your beautiful baby, but at the same time, have a rod of steel running through your spine about what kind of behaviors you will and will not accept around your children.
Counting how many times you let them hold an infant? I would laugh and say “seriously? You are really counting how many times…no, seriously?” They might get mad, but remember you are the parent, and they are acting like children. Laugh. They’ll grow up when they realize that these games won’t work. Sure, they might pout or sulk and act offended. That’s when you have to unruffle their feathers with a promise that when he or she is “a bit” older you will inundate them with opportunities to babysit where they can spoil your child to their hearts content. And when your MIL starts getting down about being ill, remind her of your promise to need her to babysit so she better do all she can to get better!
And keep that rod of steel down your back! They are your family…by setting boundaries with them, you will not push them away forever or cut them out of your lives by speaking up. They will not stop loving you or wanting to be with you even if you have to set some ground rules.
Unfortunately, Stephanie, I can’t use future babysitting opportunities as a prize for these grandparents. Other circumstances have made it so that we cannot trust them to be alone with Charlie. I won’t detail them here but trust me when I say that the circumstances are legit and dangerous. I can, however, promise them all the visits they want (within reason) and plenty of opportunities to hold him and play with him under our supervision. I’m SURE, as with everything else, that it won’t be enough for them…but we’ll offer them with a smile.