My husband and I are born-and-raised East Coasters.  Our families have long, rich histories in the Mid-Atlantic and New England states.  Accordingly, the majority of our family members live within a reasonable drive from our home.  In fact, the lion’s share of our relatives live in the Philly metro or New Jersey.  However, my husband spent most of his childhood in a town that was a few hours drive from his family, while I grew up in the same town as my maternal grandparents.  He didn’t have daily contact with his closest relatives, while I spent a good deal of my free time with my grandparents.  In fact, I credit my grandfather as being one of the most inspirational people in my life, even more so than my own parents.  I also had the added fun of having my dad’s family just a half an hour away on a large family-owned lakefront property where each branch of the family had a house that was teeming with cousins all summer long.  I enjoyed being close to my family and often feel disconnected from my loved ones even though Philly is only a two hour drive from “The Lake.”  I find myself practically jumping out of my skin with excitement whenever we make the drive to see my brother, my dad, and my closest cousins.  I can’t wait for the days when Charlie will be running around in the woods and belly flopping into the lake with the members of his generation.

Me and my "Gramps" - I used to love wearing his hats!

You would think that with my utter love for my family, I wouldn’t be driven so crazy by grandparents who want to be uber-involved with Charlie, but I am.  I’ve spent the last week stewing and feeling as if every thing I do is being criticized or that there is going to be some longstanding competition for Charlie’s affection as he continues to grow.  I’m sure that sleep deprivation and hormones are also playing a big role in how I feel, but these feelings stem from a series of recent visits with one set of Charlie’s grandparents who happen to live very nearby.  As most little babies tend to do, Charlie sleeps a lot, and when he wakes up he is usually crying and hungry.  His grandparents, however, seem to have forgotten that this is how babies work and they insist on being allowed to hold him even as he writhes and screams for food because it’ll “just be for a minute” and they “never get to hold him.”  They’ve actually kept track of how many times I’ve “let” them hold him, even though we’ve explained that he’s usually asleep when they arrive and waking up for food as they leave.  Even if they agree to wait until he’s done eating, they hover over the two of us as he nurses, waiting to pounce as soon as he lifts his head from under the hooter hider.  It’s nerve-wracking and I think that Charlie senses it too, especially since he and I normally have a long cuddling session after he nurses.

There are other extenuating circumstances that I won’t detail here, but even in their absence, I’ve become fed up with the criticism and score-keeping.  Nonetheless, I don’t want to be the parent who cuts off her child from his grandparents, nor do I want to constantly be snapping at them to back off in front of my son.  My husband and I are committed to creating a peaceful, supportive, and positive home for our son since we didn’t always have that when we were kids, but I worry that this situation is going to make that goal an increasingly difficult one to fulfill.

The added challenge is that Charlie’s grandmother was recently diagnosed with a serious illness that will require extensive treatment.  Seeing her grandson cheers her up and inspires her to fight for her life so that she can see Charlie grow up.  I wouldn’t want to take that sort of joy out of her life.  I just wish we could find some sort of common ground where it is understood that we are Charlie’s parents, we make the decisions, and no one is preventing them from connecting with their grandson.

Please share your stories of how you handled the Grandparent Dilemma with your babies!