Initial Fears

Before I had my son almost three years ago, one of my biggest fears for after his birth was breastfeeding. I worried about everything: Would I be able to do it? Would it hurt? Did I even want to do it?, etc.  I was pretty much scared to death! Once he was born, I knew I at least wanted to give it a try.  I remember thinking as I sat there crying in the hospital, “This is supposed to be natural, why is it so hard?”  My little guy only wanted to nurse, non-stop in his second day of life. I was a mess, his latch was horrible, and it hurt! I immediately didn’t think I would be able to do it. Then, we got home and something clicked in me and I got very determined about the issue. I made it my goal to keep going, and not give up.

I knew so many women who said, “Just hang in there, it will get better.” I thought they must be lying, because it wasn’t getting better! Our early breastfeeding issues were odd. My little guy would cry, cry cry, scream, scream, scream, and just not settle down to eat – every single time I would nurse. It was so incredibly frustrating and scary. I remember the feeling of not knowing what to do, and being petrified to offer him pumped milk just to get him to eat, as I didn’t want him to prefer the bottle over the breast.

Troubleshooting

So to figure this out, I did what any new mom would do: I googled. I read everything I could get my hands on, but no book or website seemed to have the answer to, “Screaming hungry baby who simply won’t latch on and stay on.” I went to a lactation consultant who watched him feed, and while she was a little helpful in showing me how to fix his little funky latch that was causing me blisters (which I knew was a problem, but once I finally got him on, I was so grateful to end the hour of screaming, I wasn’t about to take him off and try to fix the latch! So bleeding nipples it was!).

A friend and I had babies on the same day, and we found a great breastfeeding support group led by a nurse/lactation consultant.  It was the dead of winter, and we would trudge out into the snow with our 5 week old babies and head to the group once a week.  It was a chance to get out of the house, and we would sit in a circle, nurse, and ask questions. It was really helpful to hear all the other moms concerns, but no one ever had my problem. Then, one time while there, my little guy needed to eat. So, I held my breath, and tried to get him to latch. SCREAM! Suddenly, all eyes were on me. I started to cry and simply said, “See? This is my problem.”  The nurse had no clue, and the moms didn’t have any either. I would look at these other moms nursing their silent babies and just not understand why he couldn’t nurse like that?

Even once I got him latched, he would stay on exactly 3 minutes, and scream.  I would have to stand up, “Shhh,” sway, and do all sorts of acrobatics to calm him back down to finish his feeding. All that hoopla would take at least 30 minutes, sometimes an hour. Needless to say, I didn’t feel comfortable nursing in public, so I stuck close to home. There was no way I was going to go through that not in the comfort of my living room.

One of my lowest points was when he was about 6 weeks old, my husband was traveling, and my mom came over to help me through the evening feeding. To get him to eat took two full hours of mom swaying and shhhing, then quickly handing him off to me while we had him calm, and sticking him on the breast. My mom, who didn’t breastfeed, said to me, ” I don’t know, Monica. Is it really worth all this?” She was trying to be supportive because I was so upset, but it just made me more disheartened that I was “failing”. It is the loneliest feeling in the world, because no matter what “help” you get, no one else can feed that baby if you are exclusively breastfeeding.  So when it isn’t working, it is so incredibly scary.

Solutions and Success

Of course I also consulted my pediatrician. He seemed fairly confident that baby boy was suffering from pretty severe acid reflux. Meaning essentially that feeding was painful for him, as the acid from his tummy was going back up into the esophagus,  making feedings hurt. But, what do babies do when they want comfort? Suck! So it was a complete catch-22. He would latch on finally to soothe the pain, and eat, but the eating would then cause the reflux, so he’d scream and arch and come off, then finally calm down and suck again, be happy, then more pain, and start the whole mess again. So, we left with a prescription for an acid reducer, another lactation appointment, and some suggestions as to positioning to get him to be more upright.  I had tried this before, but just couldn’t figure out the best position. Well, the medicine certainly helped, and then I discovered my ace in the hole: the binky! Baby boy loved his binky, so I started keeping it in my hand when I nursed, as soon as he would start to come off, I’d shove the binky in. He would suck, suck, suck, then I would take it out right by my nipple, and quick get the nipple in. Suddenly, we had success! This along with me sitting cross legged with the knee under his head propped up at a 45 degree angle. Once I figured this out, he never nursed without the binky right there!

When I went to the lactation appointment, the consultant was amazed.  She said, “I would have never thought to do this, but if it works for you, go for it!” By the end of it, he would simply turn to suck on the binky, and spit it out and turn toward the breast when he was done. He quickly decided the breast was pretty much for food, the binky for comfort. I know a lot of nursing experts would say this wasn’t a good solution as when baby wants to suck, he should be on the breast, but that just wasn’t feasible for us. By the time he was 11 months, he was holding the binky and switching from breast to binks by himself – quite comical to watch, actually.

After a rough start  and finally figuring out what worked for us, I nursed him for 14 months, weaning only so I could improve my chances of getting pregnant again with my daughter.  I absolutely LOVED nursing, and am loving it currently with my daughter. I dread it’s end, as it is certainly the closest relationship I have ever experienced.   I can’t believe it was something I ever feared, because it somehow did become that natural easy relationship I thought it would be – once I learned what I needed to do to help facilitate it.  I certainly had a rough start that first time, but finally was able to find a solution that was pretty unique to our situation.

What unique breastfeeding challenges did you face? Did you have any trouble nursing a baby with severe reflux?

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This post is sponsored by Bravado! Designs – where you can find bras fit for breastfeeding as well as breastfeeding support and information.

Connect and follow the ups and downs of nursing moms on The Breastfeeding Diaries where four moms will be candidly sharing their breastfeeding experiences weekly. All of the moms come from diverse backgrounds, and will face a unique set of challenges. Kathryn (Bravado CEO) even chimed in to share her experiences as a working mom.